How to keep good relations even when your harmed by others
You’ve probably experienced both; being harmed by someone as well as harming someone, whether it was intentional or unintentional. How do you deal with that person? Do you let them go unharmed? Do you reprimand them even though they may be realized they wronged you? What if your the one who harmed them? how would you feel if that person is equally hurtful or worst to you? Would you then let them out of your close relations and drift apart? Do you just change your attitude towards them so that THEY are the ones to drift apart from you? Having trouble with children? siblings? friends? classmates? Here’s an ayah were there is JUST the right dose of relationship trouble resolution for you!
Allah says :
“So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].“[Surah ‘Ali’Imran, Verse 159]
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةٍ۬ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡہُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِى ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
This was at the time when prophet(saw) lost many of his loved companions after the battle of Uhud, due to few of the companions disobeying his direct orders. They were disobedient and as a result many sahabas died and Muslims lost an almost won battle. In the above ayah, we see that the prophet (saw) shows leniency towards them. And Allah praises this quality.
Lets go over this ayah and derive lessons for ourselves when dealing with others,
“So because of much mercy from Allah you were lenient to them.”
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةٍ۬ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ
1. Show leniency to others when they do something wrong and are remorseful
2. Acknowledge you doing this IS also from Allah’s mercy
Thank Allah, do not get proud/arrogant for it! Not a favour your doing to them)
“And had you been rude, hard of heart, surely they would disperse from near you.”
وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ
3. Don’t be rude
Amongst quality of one who is hypocrites is that when they argue they are rude/use foul language
4. Don’t be hard hearted
Its hard to overlook pain caused by someone’s mistake. Try to put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel, if YOU were the one who did the same? Would you want them to show harshness to you, especially when your already sorry for it?
If you ARE rude or hard towards others every time they make a mistake or harm you, it will lead to them going away from you. Rather, if you avoid being rude or hard, your more likely to have good lasting relationships. And the whole incident of you being harmed will become source of great reward inshaAllah.
“Forgive from them and seek forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter.”
فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡہُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِى ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ
5. Forgive them
Even if you were kind and lenient to them, did not show rudeness or harshness towards you, you might be feeling really hurt. Upset. And inside you, this will waste a lot of your time and harm you. UNLESS you truly forgive them. For the sake of Allah only. Here, Allah is saying just that, forgive them. You can’t really be kind to them unless you DO forgive them. And if that doesn’t work for you. Their’s a quote usually forward “Forgiveness isn’t something we do for others. We do it so we can get well and move on.” But actually, the muslim should say, “Forgiveness is something we do FOR Allah. We do it so we can purify ourselves and move towards jannah.”
6. Seek forgiveness for them
For me, this was a gem! Not only to forgive them, but to also seek forgiveness for them! If Allah doesn’t forgive us or them, then that relationship is bound to not be a truly success one. So we seek forgiveness for them! Don’t forget, the hadith of the prophet, that may his hands be rubbed in dust! Who? The one whose parents attained old age, but he didnt attain jannah through them. Meaning, even though the child wasn’t doing something good for parents. It resulted in his failure to attain jannah. When we harm someone, we should also seek Allah’s forgiveness. Not just that persons. Similarly, if we really do forgive someone, and care about them. We should seek Allah’s forgiveness for them!
7. Consult them in the matter
This one will be a proof for whether or not you really DID forgive them! :) Surely, you won’t be comfortable talking, discussing or consulting the one your angry, upset with! would you? And similarly, consulting with them, makes them feel like you still care about them and did forgive them! Consult them, even if you don’t think you may benefit from them. Why? You don’t like what they did? Allah says, in Surah An-Nisa, verse 19 “…You may hate them or think something is bad in them, but Allah makes in them source of much good” فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـًٔ۬ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرً۬ا ڪَثِيرً۬ا
So, my friend, we don’t know what’s kheir in another person for us. Only Allah knows.
“So when you resolved firmly, then put your trust in Allah.”
فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ
8. Make firm decision/resolution
Once, you’ve discussed it, done istikhara, then make a firm decision, don’t deli daali. Be firm. Don’t waste time in always changing your decision. AND….
9. Put your trust in Allah
Be content. Trust Allah. You followed all His orders in taking this decision. He will make the outcome to be what’s best for you. Not necessarily best for your “wants”, but for your “needs”. Who knows best what our needs are, then the one who created us! The All-High, the All-Mighty Powerful and Most wise!
Lastly, the ayah ends with a great bonus to motivate us for putting our trust in Allah. How would you feel rather WHAT what you be willing to GIVE to be one of the elite ones LOVED by the ALWAYS GREATEST KING of ALL times?
“Indeed Allah loves those who trust Him.”
إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ (١٥٩
10. Seek Allah’s Love
This is the crux of the Ayah. the cream of the pie. You want Love of Allah. You get the LOVE of Allah. by doing the above. He LOVES those who put their trust in Him. Imagine that! Just to TRUST Him azwajall you gain His love. And ufcourse, with the Love of Allah, you will be amongst those who are successful. :)
May Allah(swt) make us amongst the mutawakkileen whom He loves. (Ameen Wa Ajma’een)
The Muslimah Corner 